I’ve realized what I’m doing, creating new hurt to avoid what’s really been done. I’ve been stupid, more so I’ve been angry. I’ve wanted to have fun, to lash out at you without you knowing. That somehow makes me feel like I’ve really won. But your world keeps spinning while I slow mine down to tear yours in two. I’ve always envied your strength. I miss you more than I can explain, I’m not ashamed of what I’ve done. I just wish they would have been with you, because I will love you until the end of time. I defeated my monsters with you by my side. If you walked back in my life I’d welcome you with open arms. What I felt for you was real, it couldn’t be explained in one lifetime.

3 months ago  /  0 notes

Giving up, letting go.

After three years of friendship, I cannot fathom why this is how it ended. I’m obviously that terrible, or atleast that’s what you wanted me to think, how you made me feel. I deserved 2 long months of silence, only for when it to be broken I have my heart ripped out of my chest. Merely because, you just aren’t interested anymore. I wasn’t interested in being treated like shit on any day of the week because you were pissed off at anyone else. I wasn’t interested in feeling so tied down to someone I could never truly have, and who never truly wanted me. I realize this now, I was just something interesting going on in your life for awhile. You found someone more interesting right? Sorry I couldn’t entertain you for that long, sorry I loved you, sorry I still do. That was always my problem right? Apologizing too much, because I wanted so much to be what you desired. I never could be though, you never had the heart to tell me I wasn’t good enough. But if you did that you wouldn’t have had someone to fall back on when everyone else shot you down. You hated everything about your body, your disabilities, and I love you just the way you are. 

You’ve changed, I’ve changed. I’m not the innocent girl who wanted every first of mine to be with you. I can’t wait around for someone who will never want me. Being miserable without you breaks my heart, but you being miserable kills me.  

For my own selfish reasons, I want you to say..but you argue. If I set you free, you won’t ever come back. I’m okay with that, if I say that enough times maybe it will become true. I gave you everything you ever wanted, you took everything you could get from me.

I have nothing else left, I’m exhausted from this. I want what I can never have, and you simply want what you’ve never wanted to realize how insignificant she was to your life.

I’m not fucking insignificant, you were just too fucking stupid to realize how much I genuinely cared. But that’s the difference between you and I, you don’t care about anyone but yourself.

I hope you’re happy, I really do. I just want to be happy..without you.

4 months ago  /  0 notes